Jokes/Humor

Anything that has Nothing to do with archery!
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Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#181 Post by Captainkirk »

Sounds like a great place to work!


Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Aim small, miss small!

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Graps
Posts: 6696
Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2014 8:39 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#182 Post by Graps »

Three men walked into a bar.
One of them ducked.
"Maybe the truly handicapped people are the ones that don't need God as much." ~ Joni Eareckson Tada

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Graps
Posts: 6696
Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2014 8:39 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#183 Post by Graps »

Someone calculated that if you took all of the lawyers and laid them end to end around the equator; we would all be better off.
"Maybe the truly handicapped people are the ones that don't need God as much." ~ Joni Eareckson Tada

Captainkirk
Site Admin
Posts: 12787
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#184 Post by Captainkirk »

Q: What do you call 3,000 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean?

A: A good start.
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
Site Admin
Posts: 12787
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#185 Post by Captainkirk »

First woman in space:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind."
What's the problem?
"Nothing."
Please tell us.
"I'm fine."
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
Site Admin
Posts: 12787
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#186 Post by Captainkirk »

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS."
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Posts: 12787
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#187 Post by Captainkirk »

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Posts: 12787
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#188 Post by Captainkirk »

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Posts: 12787
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#189 Post by Captainkirk »

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does everyday.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me:

Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
Site Admin
Posts: 12787
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#190 Post by Captainkirk »

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo:

To all employees; If you must drink during your lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.
Aim small, miss small!

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