Jokes/Humor

Anything that has Nothing to do with archery!
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Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#121 Post by Captainkirk »

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Posts: 12788
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#122 Post by Captainkirk »

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new
dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10
minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this
way:
"The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second
Sunday, my new dentures were still hurting me a lot. The third Sunday,
I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't shut up."
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Posts: 12788
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#123 Post by Captainkirk »

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5.Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check-book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
Site Admin
Posts: 12788
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#124 Post by Captainkirk »

Little Johnny

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.
"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?"







"Stay the heck away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking." :shock:
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Posts: 12788
Joined: Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:19 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#125 Post by Captainkirk »

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#126 Post by Captainkirk »

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question. “Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.

The witness still didn’t respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.” “Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
Aim small, miss small!

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Graps
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Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2014 8:39 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#127 Post by Graps »

Drink responsibly , pay when it's your turn .
"Maybe the truly handicapped people are the ones that don't need God as much." ~ Joni Eareckson Tada

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Graps
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Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2014 8:39 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#128 Post by Graps »

Three men ran into a bar ; one ducked .
"Maybe the truly handicapped people are the ones that don't need God as much." ~ Joni Eareckson Tada

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Graps
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#129 Post by Graps »

A man was about to hit his golf ball from the women's tee .
A voice came over the loud speaker " PLEASE TEE OFF FROM THE MENS TEE "
The man just waved and was about to hit again .
Same voice " SIR YOU MUST TEE OFF FROM THE MENS TEE ! "
At that the man yelled back "DO YOU MIND IF I TAKE MY SECOND SHOT ! "
"Maybe the truly handicapped people are the ones that don't need God as much." ~ Joni Eareckson Tada

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Graps
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#130 Post by Graps »

A traveling salesman stops at this farm .
As he is talking with the farmer he notices a three legged pig .
He asks the farmer what's with the three legged pig ?
The farmer tells him that about six months ago his barn caught fire and he had fell down hitting his head .
The pig grabbed him by the collar of his coat and dragged him to safety .
The farmer said " I love that pig for saving my life like it did ."
The salesman asked " But that doesn't explain why it has three legs . "
The farmer replied " Like I said , I love that pig , I just don't have the heart to eat it all at once . "
"Maybe the truly handicapped people are the ones that don't need God as much." ~ Joni Eareckson Tada

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