Jokes/Humor

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Shadowhntr
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#171 Post by Shadowhntr »

Eeeewwwww :?
The element of surprise can never be replaced by persistence.

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#172 Post by Captainkirk »

:shock:
Aim small, miss small!

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Graps
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#173 Post by Graps »

A young boy was sitting on a curb out front of a Catholic church.
He had a glass jar with a clear liquid in it.
He was shaking it up and then watching the bubbles in it.
The priest from the church asked him what he had there, and the boy said " This is the most powerful liquid in the world. "
The priest told him " Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. You can rub a little on a pregnant woman's stomach and she will pass a boy. "
At that the boy said " You can rub a little of this turpentine under a cats tail and it can pass a motorcycle. "
"Maybe the truly handicapped people are the ones that don't need God as much." ~ Joni Eareckson Tada

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Graps
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#174 Post by Graps »

This guy was on an airline flight and across the isle from him was a very beautiful lady.
He finally asked her " What kind of man would a lady like yourself be attracted to? "
She answered " Well, I would like to find a Jewish man because they are frugal with money.
But I would think a Native American man could have a respect for nature and would be a good provider and protect me.
But another side of me would like a man that is a good ol' country boy. "
At that the man leaned over and said " Let me introduce myself, I'm Geronimo Goldberg, but my friends back home just call me Bubba. "
"Maybe the truly handicapped people are the ones that don't need God as much." ~ Joni Eareckson Tada

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#175 Post by Captainkirk »

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#176 Post by Captainkirk »

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

A man asks a farmer near the field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:30 PM train."
The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4 PM one."

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.”
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#177 Post by Captainkirk »

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?

Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?"

Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."

Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"

"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.

The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#178 Post by Captainkirk »

The rain had stopped and there was a big puddle in front of the bar just outside the American Legion Post.
A rumpled old Army ground-pounder was standing near the edge, with a fishing line in the puddle.
A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," the old sergeant simply said.
"Poor old loon," the Marine officer thought to himself, and invited the old Army infantryman into the bar for a drink.
As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits, the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked, "How many have you caught today?"
"You're number 14," the old sergeant answered, taking another sip from his double shot of 12 year old Scotch, "2 Air Force, 3 Navy and 9 Marines.”
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#179 Post by Captainkirk »

Now you can tell your spouse you're following a doctor's prescription with your diet!

Health Advice

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about trying to live a longer and healthier life..
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#180 Post by Captainkirk »

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well", said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand", said the visitor.

"A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No", said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug out." ;)
Aim small, miss small!

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