Jokes/Humor

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Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#191 Post by Captainkirk » Thu Mar 29, 2018 9:58 am

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse a very long shot won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the horses lined up for the 5th race, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for the betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it and it won!

Mitch was elated. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and they always came in first.

Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track before the last race and blessed not only the forehead of one of the horses, but the horse's eyes, ears and hooves as well.

Mitch bet every cent he possessed and watched the horse come in dead last.

Dumbfounded, Mitch made his way to the track and confronted the priest, What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. That last race you blessed one and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost my savings.

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants; you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#192 Post by Captainkirk » Thu Mar 29, 2018 10:26 am

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?!

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#193 Post by Captainkirk » Thu Mar 29, 2018 10:29 am

A warning to be careful about drunk driving as we are getting close to the holidays and police everywhere are out there checking on drivers. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many pints and then went onto the brandy. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a taxi cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing Breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a taxi they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#194 Post by Captainkirk » Thu Mar 29, 2018 10:37 am

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him upside the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" the man asked.
The wife replied; "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".
The man then said, "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on." The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him yet again.
His wife replied. "Your horse called".
Aim small, miss small!

Graps
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Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2014 8:39 pm

Re: Jokes/Humor

#195 Post by Graps » Thu Mar 29, 2018 1:45 pm

This elderly couple were sitting on there front porch in rocking chairs.
The old man said to his wife " Well we have been married 60 years today."
His wife got up out of her chair and shuffled over to him and hit him along side the head, knocking him onto the floor.
He gathered his wits about him, got to his feet and sat back down in his chair.
After a minute he asked her " What was that for?"
She answered " For 60 years of bad sex."
The old man got out of his chair, shuffled over to her and hit her up side the head, knocking her onto the floor.
She gathered her wits about her , got to her feet and sat back down in her chair.
After a minute she asked him " What was that for?"
He answered " For knowing the difference."

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#196 Post by Captainkirk » Fri Mar 30, 2018 11:30 am

A Close Shave

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#197 Post by Captainkirk » Fri Mar 30, 2018 11:42 am

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the
Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little
red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and
a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said
with admiration.”Thanks”, the girl replied.
The firefight looked a little closer. The girl had tied
the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.
‘Little partner’, the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to
tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that
rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster’.
The little girl replied thoughtfully,‘You’re probably right,
but then I wouldn’t have a siren’.
Aim small, miss small!

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#198 Post by Captainkirk » Fri Mar 30, 2018 11:47 am

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it is getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Aim small, miss small!

jd-xlt
Posts: 116
Joined: Thu Mar 29, 2018 4:19 am

Re: Jokes/Humor

#199 Post by jd-xlt » Tue Apr 03, 2018 6:33 am

What did Mama Cannonball say to Papa Cannonball? "I'm going to have a BB"
"Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day,"

Captainkirk
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Re: Jokes/Humor

#200 Post by Captainkirk » Tue Apr 03, 2018 7:24 am

jd-xlt wrote:
Tue Apr 03, 2018 6:33 am
What did Mama Cannonball say to Papa Cannonball? "I'm going to have a BB"
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Aim small, miss small!

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