Jokes/Humor

[Graps]

[Graps]

The children of this old man that was going to have his 90th birthday desided to get him something very special for his birthday.
They desided to hire a hooker to give him super sex.
She went to his house and when he answered the door, she said " I'm here to give you super sex for your birthday."
He said to her " wow that's nice, the soup sounds good!"

[Captainkirk]

What kind of soup?

[Captainkirk]

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed, trying to sleep but listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!

[Captainkirk]

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum.

"Just out of curiosity," the man said, "How did you lose your leg?"

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum."

"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk."

"Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?"

"Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.

"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!"

"Nay, matey, it was on me first day with the hook..."

[Captainkirk]

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

[Captainkirk]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."

[Captainkirk]

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man.

I asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I had it all. I had plenty to eat, my

clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and

Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on

my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"


"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, I got out of prison."

[Graps]

This man noticed that his dog had something white in its mouth standing in the back yard.
He went to investigate and it was a dead white rabbit.
Realizing the elderly lady next doors had a white rabbit for a pet, he was just feeling sick that his dog had gotten it and killed it.
So he took the rabbit in the house, washed it off and used a blow dryer to dry it off. Brushed the fur all nice and later that night he put it back in its pen.
The next morning he heard a scream. The elderly lady was shaking franticly and pointing in the rabbit pen.
The man ran over there and when he looked in the pen he said " Aw, your rabbit has died."
The lady said with a very scared and trembling voice " I know, it died yesterday and I buried it out back!"

Note: This is a true story.

[Graps]

If you take the word " MILK " and change just four letters, you get " BEER "