Jokes/Humor

[Captainkirk]

Post your jokes, funny stories and memes here (non-political and G/PG rated ONLY, please!)...remember, this is a family oriented forum with younger viewer access. But that doesn't mean we can't share a good laugh!

[Captainkirk]

Tool Definitions

SKILLSAW: A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh {BAN ME}'. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

CHANNEL LOCKS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACK SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.

SON OF A B***** TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*****' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Shadowhntr]

Lol! Funny Kirk!

[Shadowhntr]

One day a game warden was watching a man through the woods who was dressed in camo and appeared to be hunting. The warden knew this because the guy was carrying a squirrel. He was very confused and cautious though, because the man didn't seem to be carrying any weapon and so he was convinced the guy about had to be doing SOMETHING illegal. So he decided to follow him for a while, but staying hidden at a distance. Directly, he seen the man pause and appeared to be looking up in the trees for a bit, then he seen a squirrel drop from the tree top. The ol boy eased over and picked it up, and started easing on forward. This happened a couple times more and the warden became anxious and decided he must go interrupt and hoped to give him some kind of citation. So he made his presence known and approached him. He then asked the fella to see his licence and then the squirrels. Sure enough, still under the limit and not a single mark on them anywhere. The warden then asked him to see his weapon. The fella replied that he didn't carry one, because he used a tactic an old sly Native American taught him that he referred to as "uglying them to death". He then bid the warden to go with him and watch carefully and the warden agreed. Pretty soon the ol boy spots one nearby and then stared at it until the squirrel noticed him...then he contorted his face in the most hideous fashion. Sure enough the squirrel dropped dead. The warden shook his hand and said how amazing it was and asked if he ever taught anyone how to do the trick. The ol boy said that he indeed did teach his friends Tony and Kirk, but he quit inviting them along because they tore them up to badly.

[Mohawk]

That's terrible!

[Captainkirk]

Works on deer, too.

[Graps]

I won't be impressed with technology until I can download a dozen arrows .

[Shadowhntr]

Yesterday I was sitting along a small river bank fishing for flathead catfish. Nothing was really going on and with no fish action so I was just taking in the scenery around me.... especially since we are in the beginnings of the fall transition. After a bit I seen this big fox squirrel off to my right some 25 yards away acting very peculiar. There was an old snag of a tree trunk jutting out from the bank some 15ft and pretty much horizontal, but the end was just barely still above water level, with the rest of the snag still in the dry. This squirrel would jump on the snag, go part way out slowly, then in an instant would dart back off again to the bank chattering and scolding the snag. I was truely entertained for a good while watching as the squirrel would get farther out on the snag with each episode. Eventually, I noticed a big fat nut on top of the snag right at its very end, and it was then did I realize what the squirrel was doing, being after this nut. I found myself more and more rooting and cheering for this lil guy and as he gained confidence and approached the nut closer I'd be holding my breath in anticipation, and when he'd lose his nerve and run back to the bank I'd let out a soft "AAAHHHHH!" in disappointment. Finally, he approached it closer and closer and as I held my breath in anticipation I felt I would burst open from the inside...and he made it and grabbed the nut! In that instant I felt such a release of tension! But before I could even celebrate his victory, in a flash like lightning, a huge flathead rolled up to the snags surface with a splash that startled the bejibbies out of me and.....the squirrel was gone, just vanished. I jumped up and looked hard to make out if the lil guy might be swimming across to saftey but nothing. I scanned the bank thinking I missed his return to solid ground but no scampering squirrel in sight. In shock and dishearted, it slowly began to sink in, that stupid fish just ate my little friend. As shock and surprise started to turn to a bit of grudge, I once again stared at the snags end, still hoping to see my lil friend climbing up on it to run to saftey. Suddenly there was another big splash right at the snags end and I thought I caught a glimpse of a fin of the huge beast. Then the water calmed again as I shook my head in disbelief of these turn of events, and that's when I noticed it. What looked like the exact same nut was again resting on top of the snags end by the water.

[Captainkirk]

[Graps]

I was butchering chickens the other day and my wife asked me if there was anything she could do to help .
I told her it would be a great help if she could get all the hair feathers off while I was still doing other chickens .
Now I usually just burn the hairs off with a propane torch but when I got into the kitchen , she was using my electric razor on the birds .
I just laughed and told her that she should tell the razor company what she did .
A few weeks later she got a royalty check in the mail for $5000. and a letter explaining .
They told her that they have added a new line of razors to the lineup .
They have the men's Schick , the lady Schick and now the chicken Schick .